Dear Ms Smith

It is with the utmost sympathy that I must inform you that our initial prognosis was correct. We received your biopsy test results yesterday. You have an extremely rare and debilitating condition, known as Sexyitis.

In layman’s (pardon the pun) terms, you have worrying levels of sexiness present in your nether regions. This is impairing your ability to function.

Although little research has been conducted on Sexyitis, recent years have seen groundbreaking developments. We now know that rigorous CBT (Coital Behavioural Therapy) from the early stages of puberty can ensure that sufferers lead a relatively normal (albeit promiscuous) life. We recognise that you may have missed the boat on that one.

However, as a woman, you may find comfort in knowing that once you’re over the age of forty many will no longer recognise your sexuality. Nonetheless, we recommend that you book an appointment with your GP at your earliest convenience to explore your treatment options. In the meantime please carry contraception with you at all times, and contact your local psychiatric ward if you feel overwhelmed by your sheer level of sexiness.

We recognise that at this difficult time many patients require privacy in order to come to terms with their diagnosis. However, we have recently been approached by a Channel 4 production company. They are recruiting participants for the latest instalment of their True Lives series - Sexyitists: The People Who Are Too Sexy to Live (or Not Fuck).

Please do let us know if you would like us to pass on your details. We have been assured that the company intends to handle its presentation of Sexyitis with the utmost sensitivity.  Channel 4 believe the show will raise much-needed awareness, and provide hope to all those burdened by their raw animal magnetism.

Channel 4 have asked me to warn you that you may not get to meet other Sexyitists during filming. This is because TV licensing laws prevent mass orgies from being televised on public networks. Furthermore, even without the presence of a camera, research indicates that contact between Sexyitis sufferers is invariably of a sexual nature. This is dangerous, as unprotected intercourse could lead to the dominant Sexyitis gene being passed on to future generations.  This is unfortunately just one of the many ways in which Sexyitis serves to alienate sufferers: not only from their peers, but from the few people who truly understand the crippling nature of their condition.

If you wish to find out more about Sexyitis, and the stories of the other two people officially diagnosed with it, please visit the following websites:

Please note: these websites may not work due to budget cuts.

Once again we would like to offer you our deepest sympathies at this difficult time.

I would also like to personally apologise for my inappropriate advances after your most recent appointment. I accept full responsibility for my conduct. I am currently awaiting disciplinary action.

Hopefully at your hands. ;)

Yours sincerely,

Dr Bertulis-Fernandes

Entirely Credible Medical Practice